The Strength To Keep Going
by Amaranthin Dae
Summary: "This wasn't the first time he'd lost someone he'd cared about, but it was the first time he'd allowed himself to break." A little drabble thing about Captain Levi. SPOILERS up until episode 22. Rated T because it's about "Attack on Titan" (no explanation needed there), and I'm paranoid. No coarse language or serious gore, just some blood and death sprinkled about here and there...


**A/N: ...Hello there.**

**YES, I know I haven't done anything on this site in who knows how long...honestly, I'm just a lazy procrastinator who doesn't ever do anything with her life -_-**

**But anyway. About this fic...well, first off, I love Captain Levi :D *flails* He's my favorite. So I wrote this little thing, because I couldn't find ANY _Attack on Titan _fics that I liked. ...Well, that's a lie. I did love some, but none of them were what I was looking for. So I wrote one myself :) It...isn't anything like it was how it was supposed to turn out, but I'm really proud of this, anyway. Hehe, what? I'm not vain... *cough***

**This isn't necessarily something I think Levi did...but it was one take I had on it. I like to think he's capable of having a mental breakdown ^_^**

**And without any further ado...enjoy!**

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This wasn't the first time he'd lost someone he'd cared about, but it was the first time he'd allowed himself to break.

Crying out in frustration, Levi threw a punch at the wall. His bruised knuckles throbbed at the cruel impact, but he couldn't care less about the physical pain – it was nothing compared to his inner anguish. That whisper of a memory forever imprinted on his heart…it could never hope to compare to reality. The faint recollections just weren't enough.

His insides were churning, too full of grief and pain to give him any respite. He'd been holding it in for so long, and now it felt as if the dam would burst – it had grown to be too strong and too painful for him to handle it anymore. Violent shaking began wracking his body, and the Captain fell to his knees, unable to hold himself up any longer. When his eyes began to sting, for the first time he didn't try to quell his feelings, or to push them to the back of his mind; Levi just didn't care anymore. He'd always been distraught at the deaths of his fellow Scouts by the Titans' hands, but not once had he ever shed a tear.

It happened so often, but somehow it could never grow old – every new body was just as painful as the last, if not more so. Dozens died on every excursion, the mangled corpses piling up endlessly, one after another. Just how long would this hellish nightmare last? It was hard enough to bring the dead bodies back to their hopeful, waiting families, never to share another smile, or laugh, or tear with the ones they had loved; but it was harder when all they were able to recover was just one arm, or a mangled leg, the rest having been stolen away by the monsters outside the Wall. It was almost impossible to bear when there was no body at all – only a mutilated, blood-soaked scrap of material torn from an extra cloak: a last memento to the soldiers who too often died fighting a seemingly hopeless war. There was always that one question that tore at the hearts of all who were asked, and all who so desperately inquired: "_Did my loved one make a difference? Did they help to further the cause of humanity?"_ And always there was the unspoken request, conveyed by heartbroken, pleading eyes to the ones who had survived what their own loved one had not: _"Please don't tell me that they died in vain; please don't say that they perished with nothing but a meaningless, purposeless existence to call their own. It doesn't have to be big or important…just please, I'm begging you, tell me that they _meant_ something!"_

But there was always only one answer, and nobody ever wanted to be the one to have to say it.

The truth was, despite all the effort and lives devoted to the task, nobody could see any real progress; nobody could see any light at the end of the black, wretched tunnel. Nobody could find any hope to fill the darkness. Only one thing was ever certain: the ones who died were never going to come back, no matter how much one mourned over their broken, bleeding bodies.

No matter the emotion tied to them, the corpses themselves were meaningless – simply an empty shell of the ones who gave their lives believing that they could make a difference, that they could further humanity's cause against the Titans. So why was it always so painful to see them go?

One could suppose that, in a way, letting go of an empty shell was synonymous to admitting that a person was really gone, and that they were never going to come back. Having that knowledge was one thing – but accepting it was another matter entirely, and some just couldn't find the strength within themselves to let their loved one go.

Letting go of his squad's corpses was hard – much harder than it should have been for the hardened Captain. They were just cold husks, they shouldn't have meant anything. Letting them go shouldn't have hurt him that much. Hundreds of bodies had been lost in the past…and these four were no different, and no more special than every other soldier who had given their life. But when the Captain had watched the stricken men as they rolled his lifeless squad members off the lagging cart, even if it was by his own necessary orders, it felt as if a part of him was left behind with the bodies. He'd almost cried then. But with everyone around him falling apart at the seams, he couldn't afford to be the one to lose his head. He had to be the one to push his own personal feelings aside so that the others could look to him rather than their sorrows; he had to stand for the rest when they couldn't do it themselves, so that they could draw from his own strength and continue forward.

But Levi could never forget his squad's bloody faces, their broken bodies, their dead, lifeless eyes…and despite what any outsider might have thought because of his cold and unapproachable personality and seeming indifference to leaving their bodies behind, he had indeed cared deeply for them, and he still did.

A single tear spilled down the stoic Captain's cheek, and he clenched his shaking fists as a sudden wave of hot frustration washed over him. Why was he breaking down _now_? Why couldn't he handle it _now_, of all times? Why here, why now, why _them_?!

"_Why wasn't I there for them?!_"

Levi stopped short, surprised at his outburst; and then the realization hit him like a ton of bricks.

He blamed himself.

The Captain upturned his lip in disgust. What a disgrace. Who was he to call himself a leader when all he could do was sit around feeling sorry for himself?

Levi knew that it wasn't his fault – it wasn't anyone's. The Captain shouldered no blame, but still…deep down, underneath all of his own personal barriers and restrictions, he felt that maybe, if only he had found the Female Titan sooner…his teammates wouldn't have had to die.

Maybe he could have saved them, if only he'd chosen a different path.

Maybe.

The Captain snorted humorlessly. What a wretched, poisonous word that was.

Yes, maybe if he had been there his squad wouldn't have died. But they had chosen to do their duty as soldiers, and as people, and Levi was proud of that decision.

They had been truly brilliant soldiers – he couldn't have chosen better members for his squad. They had died honorably in the line of duty, fighting for what they believed in: the hope for the future of humanity.

It was time to stop dwelling in the past – in that crucial moment when one made the decision that they may or may not regret – and instead turn to look to the future. There was no use in regretting past actions when it wasn't possible to change them; instead, one must be able to find the power to believe that they won't regret choices they will make, so that they are able to move on and continue fighting for the future of humanity: that one, sudden hope that all at once took on the form of Eren Yeager.

The Captain used to wonder if the boy was really worth it. But despite his reckless passion and impulsive behavior, the spirit the boy had shown had clearly proven to him that he was well worth any price. After observing his utter devotion firsthand, Levi had found that he had begun to believe in him as well. Everyone seemed to believe in him – everyone now had a small sliver of hope, all because of that one boy.

That was why he needed to stay alive.

The kindling of hope that Eren held was precious, and the advantage he presented for mankind was invaluable. Because of him, humanity had a goal in sight; and with his light leading the way, they were more than willing to fight for it, despite being in the midst of overwhelming fear and despair. There would always be hope, so long as there was also something to believe in.

His squad had died fighting for that belief, and that was why Levi had to keep moving forward.

His squad might have been killed, but Levi knew that they would have wanted him to move on and continue their fight so that their lives would not have been lost in vain, and he vowed to uphold that final wish. It was his duty now to continue the battle that they could no longer fight. Because of their sacrifice, Eren had lived to fight another day, and that one hope for humanity had been preserved.

How could the Captain ask for more?

Taking a deep breath, Levi slowly got to his feet, the single tear track running down his face easily being overshadowed by a small, sincere smile, one that didn't often see the light. His squad's will to fight would forever give him the strength to keep going.

That was more than enough.

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**If this gave you chills/made you cry, I have succeeded ^_^**

**But anyway, a friend of mine told me to watch _Attack on Titan_ a while ago because he thought it was amazing. And so I did.**

**...**

**I don't think I need to say anything else XD After the first episode, I just sat there staring at my screen in shock for about five minutes. I really did not know what to do with myself. And then I ended up watching the entire series in two days. ...Yeah, don't do that XD You will never be the same o.O**

**But anyway...*sighs* If you haven't seen _Attack on Titan_, watch it now. DO IT, IT IS AMAZING! Just prepare yourself to be traumatized. But it is so worth it, if only for watching Captain Levi in action ^_^**

**Okay, I'll shut up now. Review and maybe I'll write more stuff! ;)**


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